Cougars

On Top Chef last week, one of the teams named themselves "The Cougars" after one of the ladies, who is in her early 40s.

She seemed flattered.

When I get to be her age, would I find it flattering to be called a cougar?

Not sure.

But, if someone called me a cougar today, I would punch them in the mouth.

Hard.

Top Chef-iness

Top Chef is back for a fifth season. 

It's usually only after the season is over that I can finally enjoy these first couple of episodes when it's all chaotic and there are too many chefs to keep track of. 

There were two chefs kicked off last week and I can't even remember them. 

I like the Europeans so far. They are very confident, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. I loved Hung from Season 3 and Marcel from Season 2, so clearly an unrealistic, absolute belief in one's talents isn't a deal breaker for me. 

So far, I find Fabio charming. We'll see. After awhile the whole "Team Europe" thing may grate, but so far I dig it.

I also dig the adorable tattooed lesbian, Jamie, the tattooed hard-knock kid, Eugene, and the big dopey guy Hosea. 

I'm undecided on Carla. 

On the one hand, she's bat shit crazy. 

On the other hand, she's bat shit crazy.

She kind of creeps me out though, so I'm leaning towards nay, but who can tell?

I do not dig Ariane. She wants to know if "she's as good as everyone says she is."

She's been on the bottom for two challenges in a row.

Padma spit out her food.

Padma never spits out the food. 

Hmmm... I have a sneaking suspicion that you are not as good as everyone says you are. 

Jill left the show this week and she probably won't be missed. However, watching her attempt to crack those ostrich eggs was the highlight of this week's Top Chef for me. 

Oh, Dale!

Dale, you bonehead!
What did you do?
I still have mad Dale-love for you, but nominating yourself as executive chef on that team was nothing less than suicidal!
Let's face it, Lisa stinks. Her bitch-face gets worse and worse every week.

(aside: On the other hand, however, her array of excuses for why her failures aren't her fault are becoming funnier and funnier every week. She made two horrible dishes because you (Dale) were a terrible leader? Ha! I think not, Lisa! You made terrible dishes because you're not really as great as you think you are.)

So, Dale, it would have been the much craftier option to allow Lisa to take the reins and if her bitch-face ruined everything, then she would have been more likely to go home than you.
Finally, Spike's "craftiness" and "scheming" paid off when he managed to distance himself from you two by taking front of the house.

Really, Spike lucked out on that one. His decor sucked (according to the judges, not being there I couldn't really tell over the telly) and more importantly, he didn't cook anything.
He mentioned that a couple of the recipes were his, but it didn't seem as though he was actually responsible for any of the food.

Any other year, he would have been called out for that.

Stephanie was also front of the house and she managed to put together a linguine and clams dish as well as a weird savory dessert, that I will be taking their word on as good.

So, no big surprise I think Spike kind of sucked.
Can I tell you a secret though?
Only if you promise to never bring it up again!
Spike kind of looked handsome in his suit without all his douchebaggy hats.
Okay, there you go, I admitted it.
I feel dirty.
Let's move on.

Antonia, although I am still not a fan, is one smart cookie. She kicked butt in the short order kitchen and as a result got to pick her own crew. Why wouldn't she pick Stephanie and Richard?
Stephanie is consistently at the top (a few misfires on her part, but she's recovered well).
Richard is consistently at the top (a few misfires on his part, but he's recovered well).
Both seem fairly laid back to work with.
Richard even got along with Dale for pity sake!
Dale's the only one from the other team that should have even been considered and I would have rejected him too as he has been difficult to work with in the past (sorry, Dale).

I'm disappointed Dale went home. He really went home over one bad decision rather than because he isn't a good enough chef to be Top Chef. Dale is much more talented than both Spike and Lisa and I would have rather seen him butt heads with Stephanie, Richard and Antonia in the finale than either of those two.

Also, did anyone else notice them all holding hands in the preview for next week?
Ha ha ha!
That's ridiculous.

I'll be bummed if Stephanie, Richard or Antonia does something stupid next week (a la Dale) and allows both Spike and Lisa into the final four. (Boo, just to the idea!)

Bitch Face

What is it with chefs on cooking shows owning the worst bitch faces I have ever seen?
If we had an all star bitch face-off, I'm not sure who would win.


And in the right corner, we have Matt from Hell's Kitchen.
Bitch face in the morning.
Bitch face when he's whining.
Bitch face EVEN when he's happy.


And in left corner, we have Lisa from Top Chef.
Bitch face when she's angry.
Bitch face when she's happy.
Bitch face... oh wait. I don't think that's bitch face. I think that might just be her real face.


Let's wait a moment while the judges confer...
...
...

And we have an official announcement.
Well, this is sad. Lisa has been disqualified from this Bitch Face-off because in fact, her always face is a bitch face. Unfortunate... for her, and those of us who have to watch her... but sadly it means she may not, under the rules of the Confederation of the Bitch Face Society of America compete in this contest.

And so the win, for biggest reality cooking tv show bitch face goes to the only man left standing Matt.


On to Top Chef for this evening...


Review of last week... Spike calls Dale a bitch.
How annoying! Shut up, Spike!
What does Spike know about... oh, wait, I forgot about his "bromance" with Mark. Maybe he does know about bitches.
I withdraw my complaint.


Oh, yay! It's Sam.
I was unaccountably excited to see him guest-judge on the show, seeing as he wasn't really my favorite on Season 2. I'm not saying I didn't like him, but meh.


And they are going to make SALAD... woot?

Man, for all that Stephanie is able to whoop up in the Elimination Challenges (sometimes) she just cannot win the QuickFire challenges.


So, Sammy chose Spike to win, huh? Boo.
The salad looked good, but it was Spike, so boo.


Spike's "bonus" is that he gets 10 extra minutes at Whole Foods and whatever his main ingredients are, the others can't use them. So, being that Spike is a douchebag, he chooses ingredients that will screw the others over (rather than choosing ingredients that might make a good dish). But if he had chosen based on taste this show might be about cooking, rather than strategy and that just doesn't gel in Spike's itty-bitty brain.


And then, there's the cooking.

Spike is mocking Richard. Boo Spike. Yay Richard.
Don't hold everyone else to your standards Spike. We can't all be douchebags in hats.


It comes down to Stephanie and Dale in the top spots.
Yay for Stephanie being back on top.
I'm not sorry Dales there, but I have to say Dale's attitude the last few weeks has been wearing on me a little. Lighten up, dude. Smile, just once.
I mean you get to call bitch-face Lisa in to the losers room, can't you just be happy with that?


Ah, the losers.
Spike... have I mentioned boo already? I was kind of hoping his royal-tooliness would be sent home already. He argues with Tommy-boy about the combination of olives and grapes and actually says, "well, that's your opinion" It's all opinion dumbass. It's cooking. It's all subjective. That's why velveeta and lutefisk and other weird foodstuffs even exist, someone, somewhere thinks they taste good.

Lisa, ah bitch face... I can't even hear what she's saying her bitch face is so loud. I think she just threw Andrew under the bus though, he's giving her the laser eyes.

Andrew... sorry you had to go. I liked your intensity, in spite of the fact that you used the words culinary boner, together, in the same sentence. Yuck. I was hoping one of the other two would go away instead. Oh well.

Lingering Thoughts

Idolatry
I was glad to see Jason Castro go last night on American Idol, even though a part of me wishes it had been Syesha. If it had been Syesha, although that would have been slightly unfair to her since she sang far better than Castro, it would have pretty much assured the two Davids into the final. Plus, I think her comparing her "hardships" on American Idol to the struggles of the civil rights movement is just so... arrogant? Is that the right word? Hubristic, maybe... which according to dictionary.com is actually a word.

Chef-iness
On to Top Chef, after last week I was feeling more friendly towards Spike, but I have since swung back to my original position of "Shut up Spike." I had read on-line that Spike took time out of cooking last week to really take care of the kid he was working with when the kid cut their finger open. That was sweet. However, this week he's back to being the same old douche bag, so that was the end of that.

I still don't like Antonia. So, with all of your "experience" you "know" crispy chicken is a bad idea and you still let him do it? Basically, you are just setting him up to throw him under the bus if your team loses. Classy move there, chica. You seem like a talented enough chef, so if you could stop acting like such an asshole, I might be able to like you. But, then again, based on your behavior so far, probably not.

It was past time for Nikki to go. IMHO, the only reason she has lasted this long is because she has sucked, ever so slightly, less than everyone who was kicked off before her. You have a challenge where Italian (which is your specialty) is the main event and you don't take the lead? Spike and Lisa were ready to fall in line behind you and you just left everyone out to dry. You suck. I should have known when she was going on about their similar palettes that she was going down. Remember her specialty of mac-n-cheese anybody?

I can't hate Dale. Even though he is an arrogant, whiny baby who slams things around, I can't hate him. I sort of love the spectacle that is Dale.

That reminds me though, I miss Hung. Dale is no Hung, certified public asshole or not. I missed Hung during the relay race. I am coming to appreciate more and more the awesomeness that was Hung breaking down those chickens.

Yay Richard and Stephanie! I like Richard more and more as the weeks wear on. He's so adorably a food geek. But, (unlike Antonia) he shows a classy streak by giving the win to Stephanie because he admired her for putting it on the line and making a cake. The dude gives credit where credit is due, whether it is Stephanie or Dale.

Wait a minute! Richard is married? Huh? I wouldn't have guessed that he is married. Okay, I can roll with that I guess.

Improv

Hey! I know that guy! Johnny Iuzzini!
I saw him on an episode of Paula Dean... is that her name?
The ONLY episode of hers I've ever seen.
She was... okay.
He was... freaking ADORABLE!
Seriously, cute!
Does it get better than a hot pastry chef?

I hate it when the chefs get whiny.
So, when they get all "I'm not a pastry chef" during the Quickfire Challenge, I say shut it.
(Yes, I'm talking to you Antonia)
Which is why I like Dale and Richard.
They just suck it up and deal with the situation in front of them.
Dale with a "whatever"
And Richard with a certain dorky-finesse.
His inner dork endears him to me.
So, I was glad when the two of them finished at the top of the Quickfire.
Spike you can tell yourself whatever you like but, a loss is a loss.
The fact that Johnny gave you props for doing a crappy souffle doesn't mean he has faith in you.
But, you keep telling yourself that kiddo.
I doubt you need me to reassure you though, I think you think highly enough of yourself for all of us.

So, Spike finally got his soup. It was actually good (according to the judges... and who am I to tell Johnny he's wrong?), which is okay in that it means Andrew will be around another week. Bad in that it means Spike and his stupid hats will also be around another week.

Dale and Richard come out on top again. Stupid Spike comments that he will "never understand Richard's food". I think that is less a reflection on Richard's food and more a reflection on you.
But, since I like Dale and Richard, I was happy with the win, especially since it meant Spike didn't win.

Shut up Antonia! Shut up Lisa!
You two have the biggest bitch faces that I have ever seen on this show.
And let me clear something up for you Antonia.
When comedians improv, it doesn't mean that they take suggestions from the audience and then just do whatever the fuck they want to do anyway. They work within the confines of the suggestions and make it funny... or in a chef's case they should have made it taste good.
Maybe it's just the Wisconsin girl in me, but beer brats are a pretty big deal around here, so if they're going to snot all over it, then nuts to them.

My girl Stephanie was in the bottom two. She always seems to be in the top or the bottom. Hopefully she'll bounce back next week.

Jen, Jen, Jen. What will I do without you?
Who will "do it for Zoi"?
Who will be Richard's doppelganger?
In spite of your crazy Zoi love, which you never once ceased to remind us of, I liked you.
I'm sad to see you go, especially since I think you actually made a joke in this episode.
Ah, what fun you could have been the further you got away from Zoi's poisonous influence.
You could have gained some confidence and won a challenge for yourself. You might have made another joke.

You know there is a joke to be made about the lesbian Jen falling because of some phallic bread and asparagus, but I think I may be a bit too PC to make it.

Puree this

Top Chef

Full of Top Chef-y goodness this week.
I must say I'm glad to finally see an individual challenge instead of all this team junk.
Stephanie is in the top AGAIN. Seriously, I think this girl is someone to be reckoned with.
I can't recall anyone in the past being quite so dominate over a series of challenges.
Plus, she doesn't seem like a jerk.

The quickfire was fun, pairing the beer with the food.
Spike is stupid. Seriously, you think all beer tastes the same?
Maybe it's because I come from Wisconsin, but even though I am a lightweight, I know there is a huge difference between beers.
Especially the hoppy ones.
Be careful, they bite back.

And we got to see dear Jen, "doing it for her girl"
Oh vomit.
Jen, your girl was kind of a dick when she was on the show, so I can't really feel that bad for you.
And especially since you won the Quickfire. It only proves my point that she was holding you back.
You did the Quickfire for her. You made the Greek tailgating food as a tribute to her. You want to win it for her.
Do you ever do anything for yourself? Or did that manipulative, whiny, selfish ho beat that out of you?
I'm still in your corner, this week, but keep up this Zoi moping junk and you are officially on the list of tedious, annoying people I don't care if they go home.

Turnip puree, parsnip puree, pecorino cheese.
I swear one of the above, usually more than one, has been in every episode this season so far.
Show some creativity people!
Nikki especially seems to love the pecorino.
But, I think she's not long for this show as thus far she has managed to escape elimination by managing to suck a hair's breath less than the person voted off.

I've liked Mark so far this year, but when Tom talked about his dirty workstation it turned my stomach. Stephanie said something about it earlier in the episode, but I thought she was just being a little uptight. Even thinking about it now makes me a little queasy.
I blame Spike.
Someone once told me that you really need to take a shower to get clean, because when you take a bath you're just sitting in dirty water.
I think that was Mark's problem.
He took that bubble bath with Spike and all Spike's grossness wore off on him.
Maybe if he'd bothered ironing his apron with Dale he would have been better off.

And Ryan got sent home this week. Is that any surprise?
I re-watched the first episode a few days ago where Ryan brags about getting other employees fired because he was working so hard at 11.
How sad for him to have peaked at 11.
He certainly didn't cook much on Top Chef that can be bragged about.
Has he never watched this show before? I can't tell you the number of times I have seen some one taken to task because they didn't think about their audience or where they would be serving their food.
Sigh.
It's too bad that Ryan isn't better looking, then I could feel better about him being so dumb.

When I started this blog about Top Chef, I thought it would be kind of short because I thought this week was a little boring, but I guess I have a lot to say about it after all... what do you know?

Hey hey hey, Good-bye!

Watched Top Chef last night and what a weird ending!

I was so happy Zoi was going home!
She was whiny. She made excuses for herself, BOTH pre- and post-failure.
She even had the audacity to bitch about her girlfriend doing better than she did in the Quickfire challenge!
Jen has never said anything, but what a great, talented, amazing, blah, blah, blah Zoi is and she returns the favor by being pissed that Jen did better than she did?
For Jen's sake I hope one of two things is true:
1. Zoi is phe-nominal in bed
OR
2. Zoi is not such a complete and utter waste of a person in real life.

On the bright side, Jen officially gets moved up to "chef I am rooting for" now that she lost that anchor around her neck.
I don't think she's going to be around that long though. She hasn't done anything amazing yet, just middle-of-the-pack so far.

Stephanie must be one amazing cook. I think she has been in the top teams every week, but one so far. I think she, Dale and Richard may be the one's to beat.
Kind of funny since all of those remind me of past favorites.
Stephanie = If Harold was a girl
Richard = Marcel
Dale = Hung

I was sweating it a little for Richard last night, I didn't want him to go home in spite of his scaly slip-up. Andrew better cool it with the tapioca caviar though; seen it.

Ha! The "confrontation" between Dale and Lisa (is that her name?) was hilarious. It was so random. You could just tell that Dale was just itching for a chance to bitch at her. It all happened so fast and I deleted it from TiVO already, so I don't even know how they got involved. It was arguing between Spike, Antonia and Jen and then somehow Dale and Lisa were arguing too.

Not sure that Lisa did anything wrong, but Dale is right she is annoying with her constant negativity. She's like this big, black pit of nothingness. I swear the tv goes blank when she's on. She's officially been downgraded to "chef I refuse to acknowledge exists." Makes it hard when she wins, like she did today. But we'll see how it goes for her once she isn't partnered with Stephanie anymore.

One last thing and then I'm done with this too long blog on Top Chef.
Antonia is more and more annoying every week.
I'm no fan of Spike, but he was right. Antonia had immunity. She should have shut the fuck up and taken a back-seat on this one. I wouldn't mind if she just shut the fuck up in general.

Shut Up, Spike!

I've been watching Top Chef - Season 4 for a couple of weeks now and I was growing a bit concerned because I didn't really care about anybody yet, for or against. They were all kind of the same for me.

Well, that worry is now over.

Favorites:
Richard - He seems slightly awkward, but brilliant. I like him in spite of the faux-hawk.
Dale - I loved Hung last year, so why not Hung v 2.0?
Stephanie - She hasn't shown much personality, but she seems to have cooking chops
Andrew - Dude loves to curse. He's so over the top it makes me happy.
Mark - Loves To Kill a Mockingbird and Mad Max, nuff said.

Least Favorites:
Spike - Shut up! You don't know junk about good food, and you've been in the bottom the last 2 weeks at least, so quit bashing Richard, Dale and Andrew! P.S. I'm not impressed by your sub-par sabotage. Bah!
Ryan - Your favorite movie is "Dumb and Dumber"? You don't know what Chicken Piccata is? You've never heard of To Kill a Mockingbird? Shut up Ryan!
Antonia - She threw her teammate under the bus a couple of weeks ago, when she hadn't even tasted her food. Shut up Antonia!

On the bubble:
Jennifer - Actually I was a fan of her and Zoi, until this week. But, Zoi's whining affected Jen's popularity as well. Plus, she doesn't seem to be that great of a chef.
Nikki - You failed to make your "signature dish" of mac and cheese correctly last week... Seriously your signature dish is mac and cheese? And let's not forget the craptacular extravaganza that was blueberry mushrooms a couple of weeks ago.
Lisa - I barely remembered you exist.
Zoi - Stop your whining. You are clearly not the "amazing" chef you believe yourself to be if you can't make pasta salad. 2 weeks in a row on the chopping block. Quit the whining or you're going to Team Shut Up next week.