Road Maps

It's been almost a year since I last blogged.

In the last year...

My divorce was finalized...

... and my ex-husband got engaged to his girlfriend of four months, two months after our divorce was finalized.

My sister and I made up... again. It seems to have stuck more this time. It's been 6 months and we're still talking. Win!

My step-sister and I broke up... technically, I was dumped. We were fine. Went to a Brewer's game together and then *boom* gone. I haven't heard from her in 10 months. Proof that there are no trustworthy people on this planet.

I dated two boys, one for short, one for longer. They were both of the same cut and quality, which is to say, not very high. I have no taste in men... apparently, so I'm taking a break. More, more and more proof that there are no trustworthy people on this planet, including myself.

I went to Costa Rica for a month. I wish I would have spent my time there better. It was beautiful, but I was partially homesick for my puppies and one of the above mistakes most of the time I was away. That doesn't mean that I didn't have a good time. I went zip-lining, twice. I walked suspension bridges. I ran on the beach. I ate rice and beans. It was lovely. It's just slightly tinged with regret.

Now, I'm back. Back in my old life. I work. I spend time with the dogs. I am alone. Almost, all the time. I am unmoored and drifting through this life with no purpose and no hope for the future. I have no one, no idea, no plan to anchor myself to.

If I keep busy, I don't have to think about it that much.

I need... something.

The Power of Positive Thinking

When did life get to be so hard? It's not that I thought this would be easy necessarily, but I didn't really realize the emotional toll it would take.

The days are pretty easy to get through. I have work, which takes up plenty of time and I have a number of friends there that keep me socialized and human.

The nights are harder. The house gets quiet with just me and the dogs.

On the one hand, it's nice that I only have to worry about myself. There's no one else to please (or not as the case may be). I can be completely and totally selfish and there are no consequences.

On the other, it's lonely and dark. There are no hugs. There is no soft place to fall.

For the last couple of weeks, I've had a pretty much daily cry over the sad state of affairs my life has become.

Today, I decided to stop.

People (myself DEFINITELY included) fall into a trap of thinking, "I'll be happy when..."

I'll be happy when I lose 5 lbs.

I'll be happy when I find somebody to love.

I'll be happy when I have enough money.

I'm tired of saying "I'll be happy when." I'm going to be happy now.

I didn't let myself get into a negative place today. I only listened to songs on my iPod which make me feel good (which recently means no love songs, no angry songs, a lot of medium tempo content neutral songs). I set expectations about how I would feel during each portion of my day.

And although I wouldn't call it a complete success, I have to say that I felt better today than I have in a while. No tears. While I wouldn't call myself "happy" per se at the moment, I feel at a minimum neutral, which, trust me, is an improvement.

Life is what it is and I have to take it as it comes. But, I'm not going to live for a mystical future date when life will be good enough to be happy with.

I want things, which may mean that I'm always doomed to some level of dissatisfaction, but if I can achieve a state where I'm fairly contented interspersed with moments of genuine happiness (which will hopefully be more numerous than the unavoidable moments of unhappiness) then I'll consider it a win.

Path

When I was younger, I could see a path laid out for me. Easy to follow, just place one foot in front of the other and I would get where I wanted to go. No problem.

Easy as pie.

Peach pie.

Is this where I meant to go?

I can't see the path laid out in front of me anymore. I don't know where I'm going or why. I'm a little bit lost. The future looks murky. I can't see it at all. I'm flying blind.

I still have hope for a better tomorrow, so I keep trying to figure it all out.

Then, I remember Pandora's box. Was hope a gift to humanity or a curse? Fairly often, it feels like both.

Moving Along

Things have changed so much in the last few weeks, I hardly know where to begin. The husband (possibly the soon-to-be-ex-husband?) moved out.

A few people know the whole, long painful story of my side of what happened. Most don't. Most won't ever. Some, because I can't really see the day when I lay my heart open for everyone to see and judge. Some, because I don't want them caught in the middle of he said/she said between us.

He is not a bad person. He did not mistreat me.
We are not a good couple.
We have spent a lot of years fighting and being unhappy.
I want to change that. I want both of us to be happy.

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry if I caused you any pain.
I'm sorry if I caused him any pain.

This is not what either of us ever wanted or intended. But, at this point, it is what it is.

In some ways, this whole series of events has been a pleasant surprise. (What?!?) Everyone, so far, has been supportive and kind. I feel less alone now than I have in years. So, if it applies, thank you for that.

I'm not sure what this journey is going to bring. But, I'll keep you posted.