The High Cost of Being Poor

I didn't have anything better to do yesterday, so I went shopping.

Exciting? Maybe if it hadn't been for groceries.

Since I had some time to kill, I did a little comparison shopping.

We've got four places to buy groceries here:

I can shop the Pig, Pick N Save, Brennans or Wal-Mart.

Brennans is top notch, but waaaay too expensive and more of a niche story anyway. Although, I love the free samples!

The Pig is kind of worthless.

They don't even sell beef jerky... wtf?

That leaves Pick N Save and Wal-Mart.

Pick N Save is my normal grocery store, but except for Natures Valley Peanut Butter granola bars, it sells all of my comparison items at a higher price than Wally World (on average $0.34 per item).

However, Wal-Mart doesn't sell the environmentally friendly, non-animal testing cleaning products and paper products that I normally buy. So, I'll have to go to Pick N Save for that stuff anyway.

Even though it may make a little pin-prick in my soul, I think I'm going to have to shop for some of my groceries at Wal-Mart. I just can't justify spending that much more money per item for the exact same thing right now when every dollar counts. Ugh.

The Power of Positive Thinking

When did life get to be so hard? It's not that I thought this would be easy necessarily, but I didn't really realize the emotional toll it would take.

The days are pretty easy to get through. I have work, which takes up plenty of time and I have a number of friends there that keep me socialized and human.

The nights are harder. The house gets quiet with just me and the dogs.

On the one hand, it's nice that I only have to worry about myself. There's no one else to please (or not as the case may be). I can be completely and totally selfish and there are no consequences.

On the other, it's lonely and dark. There are no hugs. There is no soft place to fall.

For the last couple of weeks, I've had a pretty much daily cry over the sad state of affairs my life has become.

Today, I decided to stop.

People (myself DEFINITELY included) fall into a trap of thinking, "I'll be happy when..."

I'll be happy when I lose 5 lbs.

I'll be happy when I find somebody to love.

I'll be happy when I have enough money.

I'm tired of saying "I'll be happy when." I'm going to be happy now.

I didn't let myself get into a negative place today. I only listened to songs on my iPod which make me feel good (which recently means no love songs, no angry songs, a lot of medium tempo content neutral songs). I set expectations about how I would feel during each portion of my day.

And although I wouldn't call it a complete success, I have to say that I felt better today than I have in a while. No tears. While I wouldn't call myself "happy" per se at the moment, I feel at a minimum neutral, which, trust me, is an improvement.

Life is what it is and I have to take it as it comes. But, I'm not going to live for a mystical future date when life will be good enough to be happy with.

I want things, which may mean that I'm always doomed to some level of dissatisfaction, but if I can achieve a state where I'm fairly contented interspersed with moments of genuine happiness (which will hopefully be more numerous than the unavoidable moments of unhappiness) then I'll consider it a win.

Path

When I was younger, I could see a path laid out for me. Easy to follow, just place one foot in front of the other and I would get where I wanted to go. No problem.

Easy as pie.

Peach pie.

Is this where I meant to go?

I can't see the path laid out in front of me anymore. I don't know where I'm going or why. I'm a little bit lost. The future looks murky. I can't see it at all. I'm flying blind.

I still have hope for a better tomorrow, so I keep trying to figure it all out.

Then, I remember Pandora's box. Was hope a gift to humanity or a curse? Fairly often, it feels like both.

One of These Days

One of these days, you will learn the difference between a shoulder to cry on and a punching bag. While I am always willing to be the former, I am not willing to be the latter anymore.

I get to matter.

You're not the only one who is disappointed.

As always, I'm here if you need me.

Shadows and Nightmares

Can someone stop this ride, please? I'd like to get off.

On Friday, I had another ultrasound done on my right breast. The lumps from before are stable, and one even seems to have gotten smaller (Yay!). But, and this particular "but" seems to be a reoccurring theme, they found a new lump.

The radiologist wants to just watch it and see if it's stable. My surgeon wants to operate or biopsy; she always wants to operate or biopsy. In this case, because I'd rather be careful, yet I don't want my breasts to look like a war zone, so I sided with my surgeon, but opted for the biopsy.

The nurse asked me if my doctor had explained the procedure to me. I said that she hadn't, but that it was unnecessary since I just had a biopsy in March.
She nodded sympathetically, but looked vaguely uncomfortable.
She asked if I had any questions.
"This is the one in the basement, right? They call me to schedule it?" I asked, just to make sure.
Unfortunately, these questions made the nurse explain the WHOLE procedure to me from beginning to end. I wanted to stop her, but I think it made her feel better to tell me, so I just let her go on.

It's funny (not 'ha ha' funny) how people respond to this kind of thing.
The radiologist was jovial. "You've had an awful lot of biopsies for someone your age!" with a giant smile.
Well, yeah. And thanks for bringing it up.

The radiology tech was apologetic. She mouthed "sorry" to me when she found the lump.
Me too. But I'd rather you found it, than not.

The surgeon was friendly. "It was great to get to see you again!" (super-upbeat tone)
Really? Maybe for you.

The husband is overly concerned. He asked if I wanted him to take off work to go with me to consult with the surgeon today. Sweet, and yet somehow annoying.
I'm not dying. And this appt was just so my surgeon could give her two cents about what I should do. Calm down.

I? Have an overactive imagination. When I'm there in the doctor's office, it's like I can see a corridor in time of what happens if it is cancer. I'm not going to explain what I see because an embarrassing amount of it is overly dramatic and silly. But, I think you're allowed to be a little overly dramatic and silly when considering the possibility of cancer, for at least a minute or two.

In a lot of ways, I am lucky. I keep winning the lottery. This thought helps keep me from being too maudlin or self indulgent, but it doesn't quite chase away the fear. That doesn't happen until everything comes back as okay and I forget about this until my next follow up appointment when this starts all over again.

Run Away

Do you ever just want to walk away from your life?

Leave the job, the house, the people, the responsibility, everything. Just leave it behind and start somewhere anew? Then you could go somewhere nobody knows you. Then, nobody will tell you "how you are" or make assumptions based on who you used to be. You just get a clean slate. There would be problems, of course, there are always problems. But, they would be different problems than the ones you have now, and maybe different is enough. 

Reality is that we don't leave because we are tied to the people, places, and responsibilities that we have here. There is enough love to keep us still, if sometimes strangled. 

Today, I want to run away. I won't, but I want to. 

Can you smell it? There is change floating in the air. I'm not sure how to deal with it. 

Maybe I'll dye my hair a different color. You laugh, but it's worked to counteract this need for change before.

I'm not sure what the future holds but today, I'm going to stay put and listen to The Way and dream about where I could go without ever knowing the way.

The Way 

by Fastball

They made up their minds 

And they started packing

They left before the sun came up that day

An exit to eternal summer slacking

But where were they going without ever knowing the way?

They drank up the wine

And they got to talking

They now had more important things to say

And when the car broke down they started walking

Where were they going without ever knowing the way?

--Chorus--

Anyone could see the road that they walked on was paved in gold

And it's always summer, they'll never get cold

They'll never get hungry

They'll never get old and gray

You can see their shadows wandering off somewhere

They won't make it home but they really don't care

They wanted the highway

They're happier there today, today

The children woke up

And they couldn't find 'em

They left before the sun came up that day

They just drove off and left it all behind 'em

But where were they going without ever knowing the way?

--Chorus--

--Chorus--

The Power of Cheese

There's no way around it. I'm having a bad week.

I wore my "Power of Cheese" shirt from Cheese Days today. I was hoping it would help power me through.

"The Power of Cheese compels you!"

So far, all it's gotten me is a speeding ticket.

I keep trying to tell myself that I see the light at the end of the tunnel, but then the little voice of evil in the back of my mind keeps cackling and says, "Yeah, that light at the end of the tunnel? Probably a train. Toot, toot! Peanut butter!"

Shut up! Stupid evil voice.

Warning

There have been some people who are getting on my nerves lately.

One of them doesn't read this blog, the other does.

I've had it with the passive aggressive behavior. I don't do passive aggressive. I do plain old aggressive aggressive. So, you might want to think about the outcome you're looking for before you continue to press me.

I've been nice. I've been understanding. 

You don't want to like me. That's fine. Unlike you, I don't need to be liked in order to be okay and at peace with the world. 

But, I've had enough of the passive aggressive nonsense. 

We're not in competition, so knock it off already.

If the cards aren't dealt in your favor in the future, just remember, I warned you. That's the best I've got to offer.

Blame the Victim?

As many of you know, last Tuesday (December 23rd) I was rear ended by some jackass who was driving too fast for road conditions. Since then, we've been trying to work something out to get our car fixed, yet everyone involved seems to want to give us the run around.

The police office who handled the incident told me I only needed the case number and that if I gave it to my insurance company that they would contact his insurance company and it would all be handled.

My insurance company says that they will fix my car if I pay the $1000 deductible, otherwise I'm on my own.

The auto body shop that has my car says they need the insurance information from the guy who hit me before they can do anything.

The Verona Area Police Department (which I'm now convinced only hires morons) says that they can't give me that information because it's not an open case and hasn't been processed by some Lieutenant and he's behind because of the holidays... blah, blah, blah.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Did I ask to be rear ended? I don't see how this situation is in anyway my fucking fault and yet this entire situation has been more hassle then last year when I got into an accident that supposedly was my fault.

(I say supposedly because I was knocked unconscious and have no memory of the event)

I hate this. I need my damn car fixed. My employer is spread out over multiple buildings and there is no way I'm going to be able to go without a car for long. No one seems in a hurry to help me though. I guess that's what you get for driving home.

I'm so angry right now I can't even see straight. I. Hate. This.

Looks like Hell

I must look like hell today.
My co-workers keep commenting on it.

GameBoy: You look terrible.
Thanks GB! He wasn't even trying to be mean. There was sympathy in his voice when he said it.

The Saint: Umm... you just look really, really tired.
At least she tried to be diplomatic!

I feel a little better (throat's not so scratchy and I'm not as cold), but I'm just so fucking exhausted I can barely function. It sucks because the husband and I had to cancel our date night tonight. I don't know how I'm going to make it through the next couple of hours at work before I go home, there's no way I can handle going to dinner and shopping with the husband.

Bright side? We need to clean the house before mr & mrs blume and family arrive next weekend. If I don't feel better, it may end up being a one man operation. Sorry husband, once again, you drew the short stick.

The Hammer

Forget anything negative I have ever said about the Hammer.
I officially love that guy.
It's good to know that although other people may blow, he's got my back.

I've always said loyalty and respect are earned; you don't give them away as party favors.
Well, now the Hammer has both.

Fallout

Stay young as long as you can, kids.
Being a grown up blows.

I feel like I'm treading water. Black, deep, murky water.
I have no idea what the fuck to do.
Nobody seems to know what to do.
I'm out of my depth. So are you.
Let's hope neither of us drowns.

The Dow keeps plummeting.
People are losing their jobs.
People are losing their houses.
Personally, my 401K has a -17.1% rate of return at the moment. I have lost every dollar I have put into it this year, so far. Yet, I'm pretty sure I would still be considered one of the lucky ones.
It will probably get much, much worse before it gets better.
Will I have anything left when it starts to get better?
Thank God I'm only 28.
At least I have time to recover some savings before I'm of age to retire.

The bailout plan didn't pass.
Did I even want it to?
700 billion to bail out the greediest bastards that ever did walk this earth.
But, what are the consequences if we don't bail them out?
What are the consequences for the bastards if we do?

I hate to be pushy, but this would be a great time for *cough* someone *cough* to step up and be a leader. Prove to us that you are worthy of our faith and loyalty.
Prove that you are more than just pretty words and good ideas.

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming...

Small Victories

I had my follow-up breast ultrasound done.
Turns out the tumors have not come back, or whatever the hell they were checking for today.
So, I have that going for me... which is nice.

Brat

Sometimes I can be such a brat...
Shut it.
You're not supposed to agree.

ANYWAY!

I was at the grocery store tonight and I had to bag my own groceries.
Boo.
Booooooooooooo!

I don't know why it annoys me so much, but it does.
I don't want to bag my own groceries.
Isn't that what they pay the bag boys for?
Ugh!

Boo.

Frustrating

Today has been very frustrating. Grown-ups shouldn't need to be told to do their jobs properly, they should just do it.... argh!

Another Year Older

So, now I'm officially 28 years old.
More than I don't want to get older, I don't want to be one of those pathetic people who can't deal with the fact that they aren't who they used to be anymore.
I'm not getting any younger. That's true for me and everyone else.
But, since the alternative is being dead, I'll stick with the whole aging thing.

Still... when I was entering my age/weight in the treadmill tonight for my "accurate" calorie count, I had to enter 28 for the first time.
Sigh. Okay, 28 it is.

Well, that's a relief...

Usually, when I blog, it's about stupid things.
The beauty and the randomness of life that amuses me.
Lately it's been radio silence.
It's not that I stopped noticing all the quirks of life; it's just that something else loomed larger in my thoughts. Something real. Something I couldn't laugh away or ignore.
But something I did NOT want to talk about... for a variety of reasons, some fair, some unfair.

There has been a gray cloud casting a shadow over my life for the last six weeks, but finally, the weather has cleared up and it looks like sunny skies ahead. Or at least sunnier than it has been.

Six weeks ago, I went for my yearly checkup to my OB/Gyn and she noticed a lump in my right breast. (Sorry guys... this may be painful for you) I had noticed it, too, it was part of the reason I made the appointment. But, I wasn't sure that it wasn't my imagination. I've lost so much weight over the last year and a half, my breasts feel weird to me.

The doctor wanted me to have an ultrasound, so I did. I had the ultrasound the Wednesday before I went to Hawaii. The radiologist confirmed that I did indeed have a "mass" in my breast. Great. What a fun note to jet off to Hawaii on, but I just tried to put it out of my mind and enjoy the trip anyway.

When I got back, that Tuesday I had a consult with the surgeon my doctor uses to have biopsy done on the masses (Yep, sigh, there were two). The surgeon wanted to just go ahead and remove both of them "since I'm so young" instead of just taking a sample from them. Who am I to argue with the big, bad surgeon? So, I agreed and the surgery was scheduled for this last Monday.

Before the surgery, I had another ultrasound where they put these wires into my breast to guide the surgeon to the masses. They give you anesthetic, so it doesn't really hurt, but it's a weird experience to be surrounded (it took three of them... I guess they were hard little buggers to pin down) by strangers who keep poking me in the breast. Then there was the actual surgery. I don't remember any of that, thankfully, but they tell me all went well.

It has been surprisingly smooth sailing since then. I was very achy and sore for the first 24 hours and I'm actually surprised that it doesn't really hurt much now at all. Then, there was the waiting. Tick-tock. They said they would call me. I've jumped every time the phone rang at work for the last two days. Tick-tock. Finally, today at 11, I called them. It was three days already. Three days of, well, the surgery is over, so do I have cancer or not? Just tell me already!

You should have already guessed by now that I don't. They were benign. There you go, it's in writing now for you, if that makes you feel better.

I'm not going to lie, this whole ordeal has been scary... more like terrifying. Catching a glimpse of your own mortality is somewhat life affirming, but mostly panic inducing. I kept going over it in my head. 4 out of 5 women who have this surgery do not end up with cancer. I am only 27 and live a fairly healthy lifestyle, so the odds are in my favor. But then there were the other thoughts, 1 out of 5 women does get cancer. I didn't always live a healthy lifestyle. What if it's me? Everybody thinks it's not going to be them, but obviously sometimes it's somebody. Best case scenario: I have benign tumors in my chest. Not really a great scenario in my humble opinion.

Some of you may be rather vexed with me for not telling you about any of this earlier. And I love you, but it wasn't your call to make. I can understand your feelings, if it was the other way around I might be annoyed, too. But, it's not your life and it wasn't your medical crisis. So, I have to deal with things the best way I can. The way that it makes it easiest for me to cope with it, not you.

Hopefully, now, things can get back to normal and I'll be able to blog about silly things again like Top Chef (even though it's over now and Stephanie won... Yay!!) or the music they play at my gym (Still Delilah, BOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!).

It's quite a relief now that the ten ton weight that has been sitting on my shoulders has finally been removed. Now, I can get back to our regularly scheduled programming...

Life

Life is hard, and it never turns out quite the way you imagined.
The road seems so clear when you are a child.
You get older and follow a pre-specified path, first grade, second grade, etc.
There is right (get good grades, share your toys) and wrong (fighting with your sister, lying).

Somewhere along the way the trail tapers off.
You realize that you're not following a path anymore. You find that you are standing alone in the forest wondering where the hell the path went.
The line between right and wrong gets fuzzier. The gray areas grow larger. You start to miss the old black and white days.
You either stay at your current job or leave for another one.
You either stay with your spouse or strike out on your own.
You live in one community or another.
You drive one car versus another.

The decisions are no longer right or wrong, they are just different.
So, how do you decide?

In one way, it's sort of comforting.
No matter how badly you fuck up, you've never left the path, because it was always your own anyway.
In every other way, it's just confusing.
If you are the only one setting your path, how the hell do you know where to go?

Most of the time, I don't really think about it. I just do what I do and let the path determine itself. Although I'm not entirely sure that this is the best way to live, it is easier to be happy this way... I think.

Other times, I feel like I am drowning.

No matter what decision I make at any given point, there is always that one eternal question that looms above everything I say and do, "Where do we go from here?"

Could anybody lend me a map?

Fatty & Co.

We went to go visit Fatty and N this weekend. It was nice to see them and the kids. Especially since Fatty has now decided he wants to do a triathlon, and thus has stopped lifting so much, so he looks normal now instead of like he was on steroids.
I thought it might have been an awkward visit. Jeff and Fats talked on Friday, and all I really feel comfortable saying in a blog is that they've had a difficult week. I would have totally understood if they hadn't wanted us to come. I think they felt like it would be better to have a distraction than to be left to think about the week. N said that they didn't want to miss out on an opportunity to get together since we're both so busy and it's hard to find time. Plus, Jeff is Ayden's godfather and they want them to get the chance to know one another. I think that's kind of sweet.
Anyway, it was good to get to see them, even if it was under crummy circumstances. Not that you ever want a situation like this to come up, but it makes you look at your friends in a different way when it does. I have a new found respect for the kind of people Fats and Nicole are and the way they live their life. I hate sappiness and all that kind of stuff, so I'm just going to leave it at that.

Disease

It's been kind of a crappy day. My mom called to tell me that my grandfather has colon cancer.
She assured me that they found it super early, so although he's going to have to have surgery it's non-invasive and if it hasn't spread then he won't even need to have chemotherapy. The prognosis looks good, and I took it fine when she told me. But, as the evening wears on I feel worse and worse about it.

I wish I could do something for him. I wish that I could make this better in some way. I wish I could see him. When Pa started getting sick, I didn't really worry, I just kept believing that he would always get better. And he always did, until he finally didn't and I didn't get a chance to say good-bye. Hopefully, this situation won't be that serious, but being this far away it's hard to reassure myself of that.

I bought him a card. A fucking card will probably make him feel better about having cancer, right?

My sister maybe has MS. I don't know how to help her either.

Sorry... seems like a stupid thing to say.
Whatever you need... is an empty promise, since what could I really provide them anything they need.
I'm here for you... is true, but can really only make me feel better.

There is nothing I can say to make things better for them.
There is nothing I can do to make things better for them.
There is nothing I can do. Period.

All I can do is just stand around while they struggle.
I hate feeling helpless.

So, I guess instead of wishing for things I can't have, I'll have to deal with reality.
I'll hurt that they hurt and I'll shut the fuck up about it.
Because really, self-absorbed though I can be, I'm not enough of an asshole to make their illnesses about me.
The plan with Pop is to send him cards every week until he's through recovering from surgery.
A pathetic, lame plan at best, but it's the best I can do.
The plan with Sist-A is to treat her normally, until she says otherwise.
Also, a pathetic, lame plan, but also the best I figure out to do.