A New Year, A New Me

Finally 2010 is here, 2009 couldn't exit stage left quickly enough.

2009 was a year of disappointment and heartbreak. It was a year of tears and sadness.

About the only positive thing I can remember about 2009 was going to San Antonio. Most everything else in my life was a tumultuous mess.

I have hope that 2010 will be better. Although I'm not really sure how to make that happen. Do you create a plan of action for this sort of thing? I guess, for now, I'll just have to smile, do my best and hope that things will work out.

Wish me luck.

The Power of Positive Thinking

When did life get to be so hard? It's not that I thought this would be easy necessarily, but I didn't really realize the emotional toll it would take.

The days are pretty easy to get through. I have work, which takes up plenty of time and I have a number of friends there that keep me socialized and human.

The nights are harder. The house gets quiet with just me and the dogs.

On the one hand, it's nice that I only have to worry about myself. There's no one else to please (or not as the case may be). I can be completely and totally selfish and there are no consequences.

On the other, it's lonely and dark. There are no hugs. There is no soft place to fall.

For the last couple of weeks, I've had a pretty much daily cry over the sad state of affairs my life has become.

Today, I decided to stop.

People (myself DEFINITELY included) fall into a trap of thinking, "I'll be happy when..."

I'll be happy when I lose 5 lbs.

I'll be happy when I find somebody to love.

I'll be happy when I have enough money.

I'm tired of saying "I'll be happy when." I'm going to be happy now.

I didn't let myself get into a negative place today. I only listened to songs on my iPod which make me feel good (which recently means no love songs, no angry songs, a lot of medium tempo content neutral songs). I set expectations about how I would feel during each portion of my day.

And although I wouldn't call it a complete success, I have to say that I felt better today than I have in a while. No tears. While I wouldn't call myself "happy" per se at the moment, I feel at a minimum neutral, which, trust me, is an improvement.

Life is what it is and I have to take it as it comes. But, I'm not going to live for a mystical future date when life will be good enough to be happy with.

I want things, which may mean that I'm always doomed to some level of dissatisfaction, but if I can achieve a state where I'm fairly contented interspersed with moments of genuine happiness (which will hopefully be more numerous than the unavoidable moments of unhappiness) then I'll consider it a win.

Moving Along

Things have changed so much in the last few weeks, I hardly know where to begin. The husband (possibly the soon-to-be-ex-husband?) moved out.

A few people know the whole, long painful story of my side of what happened. Most don't. Most won't ever. Some, because I can't really see the day when I lay my heart open for everyone to see and judge. Some, because I don't want them caught in the middle of he said/she said between us.

He is not a bad person. He did not mistreat me.
We are not a good couple.
We have spent a lot of years fighting and being unhappy.
I want to change that. I want both of us to be happy.

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry if I caused you any pain.
I'm sorry if I caused him any pain.

This is not what either of us ever wanted or intended. But, at this point, it is what it is.

In some ways, this whole series of events has been a pleasant surprise. (What?!?) Everyone, so far, has been supportive and kind. I feel less alone now than I have in years. So, if it applies, thank you for that.

I'm not sure what this journey is going to bring. But, I'll keep you posted.

Christmas Card!

There was a Christmas card in our mailbox today!

Unfortunately, it was not for us, but for the people who used to own our house.

Hello?

You moved over 3 years ago!!

Update your family and friends with your new address already.

Note: This is not a unique occurrence. It's not all the time, but I'd say we get something for them every so often.

They loved catalogs. Boring catalogs.

Liberation

I went to my 10 year high school reunion this weekend.
It was oddly liberating.
It sounds cliche, but I finally realized how far I've come once I looked at where I've been.
High school wasn't a bad time for me.
I don't remember being persecuted or snubbed.
I laughed, cried, had friends and enemies, good times and bad. It was a pretty normal experience I'd say.
But, I was self absorbed and insecure. Teenagers are so full of drama. Everything is life or death.

There are parts of me that are the same.
My sense of humor, Loving to read, Loving history, art and poetry. I'm still a dreamer.

Then there is the stuff that changed.
I know who and what I am, and I'm not going to apologize for it.
I know whose opinion matters and whose doesn't.
I rarely take that which isn't meant personally, personally.
I don't judge other people's choices. There's no "right" way to live your life.
I have a more practical side that has developed over the years. The side that likes my job and works hard at it. The side that figures out how to deal with mortgages and car payments. The dreamer is still there, but she had to make room.

I talked to a lot of people at the reunion. Some I was friends with in high school, some I wasn't. It was fun to hear about the paths they've taken and seeing what their spark of possibilities has turned into.
It's liberating to realize that everything good and bad about me, was most likely true for them too. So few teenagers are really comfortable in their own skin.
We can talk now and be friendly in way that never would have worked in high school.
I don't know if I'll stay in touch with people any closer than I did before the reunion, but it was good to see them.