Dishes

I hate doing dishes.

I don't know why, I just do. I leave them until they pile up so high it kind of disgusts me or until I run out of utensils to eat with. Then, I finally do the dishes.

I let them pile up this week because every night this week I've looked at them and thought, 'ugh! I can't deal with this tonight!'

And then, when I finally did ALL those horrible dishes tonight, it took less than 15 minutes.

So dumb! Just do it! (Thanks, Nike.)

And yet... right now, I sit here eating pudding with a spatula because I refuse to wash a spoon.

Leopards, their spots and all that jazz...

The Power of Positive Thinking

When did life get to be so hard? It's not that I thought this would be easy necessarily, but I didn't really realize the emotional toll it would take.

The days are pretty easy to get through. I have work, which takes up plenty of time and I have a number of friends there that keep me socialized and human.

The nights are harder. The house gets quiet with just me and the dogs.

On the one hand, it's nice that I only have to worry about myself. There's no one else to please (or not as the case may be). I can be completely and totally selfish and there are no consequences.

On the other, it's lonely and dark. There are no hugs. There is no soft place to fall.

For the last couple of weeks, I've had a pretty much daily cry over the sad state of affairs my life has become.

Today, I decided to stop.

People (myself DEFINITELY included) fall into a trap of thinking, "I'll be happy when..."

I'll be happy when I lose 5 lbs.

I'll be happy when I find somebody to love.

I'll be happy when I have enough money.

I'm tired of saying "I'll be happy when." I'm going to be happy now.

I didn't let myself get into a negative place today. I only listened to songs on my iPod which make me feel good (which recently means no love songs, no angry songs, a lot of medium tempo content neutral songs). I set expectations about how I would feel during each portion of my day.

And although I wouldn't call it a complete success, I have to say that I felt better today than I have in a while. No tears. While I wouldn't call myself "happy" per se at the moment, I feel at a minimum neutral, which, trust me, is an improvement.

Life is what it is and I have to take it as it comes. But, I'm not going to live for a mystical future date when life will be good enough to be happy with.

I want things, which may mean that I'm always doomed to some level of dissatisfaction, but if I can achieve a state where I'm fairly contented interspersed with moments of genuine happiness (which will hopefully be more numerous than the unavoidable moments of unhappiness) then I'll consider it a win.

But, What Does It All Mean?

I heard this quote today, 

"You can't find the meaning because you're looking for it. Meaning isn't something you find. It's something you give."

I like that. I like things that put the control back in my hands. For better or worse, it's about the choices I make. It means what I let it, or perhaps even make it mean. 

My life. My choice. My meaning.

I like that. 

Shark Week

We ate at a Mongolian Barbecue restaurant for my mother's birthday this weekend. 

They give you a selection of proteins, vegetables and sauces to add to your dish before they stir fry it in front of you. One of the protein selections was shark. 

I tried it, just because I've never had it before.

Shark? Tastes like chicken. 

Questions.

Some girls make statements sound like questions. Those girls will say something and make their tone go up on the end. Instead of saying, "Look! It's a hooker and her pimp," it sounds like, "Look! It's a hooker and her pimp?"

Today, I noticed that when I ask questions (usually in writing), I often ask them as statements. I have to go back and edit and add the question marks in all the appropriate places.
For example I wrote, "What is it that you want to do [with this activity], but can't."

I do this All. The. Time.

Do you think that means anything?

Giving Up Control

I read an article in In Style magazine about a woman who gave up control of her wardrobe for one week to her husband. For that week, he got to choose all her outfits from some Lord and Taylor collection , I think. She thought he'd fail horribly at picking clothes for her, but actually she ended up really liking a lot of the looks he chose for her.

It was a really interesting article. I was fascinated and uncomfortable, all at the same time. I like being in control. I don't feel like I have to be in control of everything all the time, but I do have to be in control of myself. As such, I cannot imagine handing over the reins of my life for a whole week to someone else, even if it's over something as superficial as my wardrobe to someone as "trusted" as my husband. 

How about you? Would you let your significant other choose your wardrobe for an entire week? If you did, what do you think they would want you to wear?

I seriously doubt I would ever be able to do this. I think it would make me crazy. However, if I ever did go insane and allow the husband to dress me I would probably end up with 7 days of tight jeans.  

I Get It, but Really, It's Been 10 Years. Get Over It.

My mother called me tonight and warned me that my step-dad's kids are on the war path, you know, just in case they happen to spew in my general direction.

Here's the thing. I get it. I get why they would be angry. They erroneously believe that their dad loves me and my sister more than them. Which is just pure crap, but they seem disinclined to give their dad any slack. Their dad left their mom for my mom. They believe their dad chose my mom over them. 

The last reason, in my humble opinion, is the most important. Again, I get it. If Sis-C or I had forced the choice, we believe Mom would have chosen him over us. It stings.

The difference is that we got over it. We didn't force her to choose. We decided that we'd rather have our mother in our lives than to hold a grudge. We even accepted our step-dad into our lives. Which isn't to say there wasn't any fall out or that there wasn't any damage done. 

We have 10 years of memories to keep with us. We've had our ups and downs, like any family, but there have been plenty of good times over the last decade. They have nothing, but hurt feelings and anger.

It didn't have to be that way. Exhibit A: The other side of my family. We're the fucking Brady bunch. We get along. We love each other. Hell, we don't even use the whole "step" appellation with one another. We're family.

It makes me sad for his kids. We all make choices and we have to live with the consequences, for better or worse. I doubt they have ever considered the choices that they've made. It's so much easier to lay blame than to take responsibility.

New Eyes

I read this quote today:

"Intelligence isn't a virtue, it's a quality. It's like hair color, or height: it earns you absolutely nothing. If you think that's all you are, you are trading on a seriously devalued currency, because you're wrong. There are more important things inside people. It's up to us to find them."

It doesn't matter where it comes from. Okay, it was from Jacob on TWOP in a recap of American Idol last night. Doesn't make it any less true.

I know a lot of people who have put their own value and placed value on others based on qualities (athleticism, intelligence, beauty).

Let's be clear.
Athleticism is not hard work. It is not dedication. It is not loyalty and determination. It is a certain amount of natural grace and an innate understanding of the mechanics of sport.

Intelligence does not equal educated. It does not indicate a desire to learn. It is not proof of curiosity. It is merely the ability to absorb new information and ideas quickly.

Beauty is entirely subjective and no matter what, always flawed.

They are qualities that people have no control over (with I suppose the exception being plastic surgery), yet we treat them as something valued and something they earned.

I guess my point is that I call bullshit. We might as well be judging others on toe length or, oh let's say, skin color. Most of the people (I know of) who read this blog would never judge someone based on the color of their skin, but I think most of us have called someone a moron in disgust or shied away from someone because they were kind of, well, gross.

There are virtues that are more difficult to come by, that take longer to develop and are hard to ascertain upon acquaintance.

Kindness, the true kind that you show towards everyone, not the fake kind that you turn on and off
Generosity, the kind that comes from the spirit and has no strings attached and no expectations
Compassion, the kind that allows you to put yourself in another person's shoes to understand them in a primarily non-judgmental way
Integrity, easy to claim, difficult to live
etc.

I'm not trying to preach. I'm as guilty as anybody else of judging people based on qualities they have no control over, rather than the choices they've made to sculpt who they've become. Who am I kidding? I don't go to the gym 7 days a week because I only care about my health.

Life is complicated. People are complicated. I don't have any conclusions about this issue or any plan of action to take now. But, I think it's something I'm going to have to think about for awhile and for starters, I think maybe I've been letting it be simple for too long.

Infomercial

As a part of the television generation, you would think that I would be more immune to infomercials. I see a lot of infomercials at the gym, so maybe watching them without sound makes them more potent. 

Or maybe I'm just a schmuck. 

Anyway, they've been going crazy with the commercials for the Strap Perfect. (www.strapperfect.com) 

There's a little part of me that keeps going, 'That looks cool. I should totally get one!"

The rest of me keeps telling that part to shut up. 

I don't know... it does look kind of cool though. 

Let's not talk about Bendaroos.

Materialism?

Christmas, according to my television, is all about presents and rampant consumerism. 

A lot of people seem to get caught up in this holiday for all the wrong reasons. And by all the wrong reasons, I don't really mean the presents. Like most things in life, it's not the thing itself, it's the idea behind the thing that usually gets off course. 

I was reading a blog this morning and I couldn't help but think, really that is what's wrong with Christmas. Kids making their mother buy back the gift cards she got for them? Are you kidding me? 

Maybe it's just me. For me, gift giving is an act of love. The gift itself isn't the point. It's the fact that I spent time, effort and money on you. (The money being the least important component.) I thought about you. I thought about what you like. I thought about what you would like. I thought about how I feel about you and what you mean to me. 

When I get a gift from you, I hope that you've done the same. 

When I talk to people about this holiday, so many people are just focused on getting everyone on their lists checked off. I know, I feel the pressure too. But, if you can, just take a moment and think about why those people are on your list at all. 

It's a lean year. The husband and I spent less on Christmas this year, than we have for many, many years, but we didn't skimp out on the important part.

What brought all this on?

I came home tonight and found a box of apples and pears from my grandfather. It made me smile. Heck, it almost made me cry. 

He was thinking about me.

Goodbye, English Rose

Things are a-changin' at my place of employment.
I have worked there for 4 years and 5 months.
For the last 4 years and 4 months, the Hammer has been my fearless leader.
We've been through our ups and our downs.
He used to really, really get on my nerves sometimes. Especially in the beginning when he was just figuring out the whole leadership thing.
Over the years, we've gotten used to one another. He knows my strengths and weaknesses and I know his. I know when to take him seriously and when he's being unintentionally offensive.

The Hammer isn't going away. He's still going to be a fearless leader, just not my fearless leader.

It's hard to know if this is a good change or a bad change. Maybe it's neither, maybe it's just plain old change. We'll see.

Goodbye, Hammer. We had a good run. See ya around the office.

Hardwicke

I was reading a review of the movie Twilight this afternoon and I was surprised to find that Catherine Hardwicke was the director.

I've seen all the movies that she has directed up until Twilight.
I think the woman is on crack.
Her directing choices are so bizarre.

Her first movie was Thirteen starring Evan Rachel Wood and Holly Hunter.
I understand what she was going for in this movie. I would even say, on some level, it's a good movie. But, I didn't like this movie. At all. 13-year-old girls are brats. I have a lot of respect for middle school teachers. It's on the list of jobs I would never, ever in a million years want, right alongside garbage collector and nurse (can you imagine me voluntarily entering a profession where I have to touch people for a living on purpose... yuck!).

Her second movie was Lords of Dogtown starring Heath Ledger and Emile Hirsch.
It's a kick-ass movie about the fathers of modern skateboarding based on the documentary of the same name. Love it. In fact, I own it.

Her third movie was The Nativity Story starring Keisha Castle-Hughes (aka that chick from Whale Rider). I don't think I need to enter a description of what this movie is about.

Um, what? The first two are gritty, fast paced stories about kids who grow up too fast surrounded by drugs, sex and alcohol. And in Lords of Dogtown's case, fame too.
The third is about the birth of Christ.
One of these things is not like the other...

Now, her fourth movie is Twilight.
Basically, a glorified teen soap opera about a vampire who falls in love with a human.

I haven't seen Twilight, but I've read the book it was based on. It's about the furthest thing from gritty that I can think of.

The first three movies all look alike. They have the same color palette and choppy cut away style, that I'm banking the fourth one has as well.
The only thematic thread that holds them together is that they are about teenagers.

If I didn't know that they were all directed by the same woman and you listed those four movies, Thirteen, Lords of Dogtown, The Nativity Story and Twilight and asked me what they all had in common, I would say nothing. They have nothing in common.

I'm not even bagging on her. It's just such a weird group of movies to call your own.
It makes me wonder what the thought process was. Does she just direct any movie they'll let her direct? Is there a rhyme or a reason there? If so, what the hell is it?

Maybe if I start smoking crack it will all become clear.

Armistice Day

Today is Veterans Day. It is a day of remembrance. And while we remember those who've fought for this country we should remember how this day was started in the first place. When I think of Veterans Day, I think of a quote by Kurt Vonnegut in Breakfast of Champions,

I will come to a time in my backwards trip when November eleventh, accidentally my birthday, was a sacred day called Armistice Day. When I was a boy, and when Dwayne Hoover was a boy, all of the people of all of the nations which had fought in the First World War were silent during the eleventh minute of the eleventh hour of Armistice Day, which was the eleventh day of the eleventh month. 

It was during that minute in nineteen hundred and eighteen, that millions upon millions of human beings stopped butchering one another. I have talked to old men who were on battlefields during that minute. They have told me in one way or another that the sudden silence was the Voice of God. 

So we still have among us some men who can remember when God spoke clearly to mankind. 

Armistice Day has become Veterans' Day. Armistice Day was sacred. Veterans' Day is not. 

So I will throw Veterans' Day over my shoulder. Armistice Day I will keep. I don't want to throw away any sacred things. 

What else is sacred? Oh, Romeo and Juliet, for instance. 

And all music is. 

Hopeful

I came across this quote today in Chronicles and I thought I would share because I like it...

Hope is a necessity for normal life, and the major weapon against the suicide impulse. Hope is not identical with optimism. Optimism is distant from reality; like pessimism, it emphasizes the importance of "I". Hope is modest, humble, selfless; it implies progress; it is an adventure, a going forward - a confident search for a rewarding life. - Dr. Karl Menninger

Another Year Older

So, now I'm officially 28 years old.
More than I don't want to get older, I don't want to be one of those pathetic people who can't deal with the fact that they aren't who they used to be anymore.
I'm not getting any younger. That's true for me and everyone else.
But, since the alternative is being dead, I'll stick with the whole aging thing.

Still... when I was entering my age/weight in the treadmill tonight for my "accurate" calorie count, I had to enter 28 for the first time.
Sigh. Okay, 28 it is.

Credit, where credit is due

I just got finished watching Flags of our Fathers.
It was a pretty good movie, but that is neither here nor there.
I was watching the credits for the film and I noticed they gave actors credit for the roles of "Wounded Marine" and "Wounded Marine #4"
What the hell happened to Wounded Marines #2 and #3?

Good Cause

My step-mom is doing a MS walk this weekend. If you feel like donating some money to a good cause, because perhaps you feel guilty about something you might have said to someone with MS *ahem* or just because you want to feel like a good person today, I've included some information about the event and how you can donate. :)

Every hour of every day, someone is diagnosed with multiple sclerosis (MS). That's why Michelle registered for the Wisconsin, Madison - Walk MS 2008, and why I'm asking you to support her fund raising efforts with a tax-deductible donation.

The National Multiple Sclerosis Society - Wisconsin Chapter is dedicated to ending the devastating effects of MS, but they can't do it without our help. It's faster and easier than ever to support this cause that's so important to me. Simply click on the link at the bottom of this message. If you prefer, you can send your contribution to the address listed below.

Any amount, great or small, helps to make a difference in the lives of people with MS. I appreciate your support and look forward to letting you know how she does.

P.S. If you would like more information about the National Multiple Sclerosis Society - Wisconsin Chapter, how proceeds from the Walk MS are used, or the other ways you can get involved in the fight against MS, please visit http://www.wisms.org/.

Click here to visit my personal page.If the text above does not appear as a clickable link, you can visit the web address:http://main.nationalmssociety.org/site/TR/Walk/WIGWalkEvents?px=4923564&pg=personal&fr_id=8260&s_tafId=69780