The days are pretty easy to get through. I have work, which takes up plenty of time and I have a number of friends there that keep me socialized and human.
The nights are harder. The house gets quiet with just me and the dogs.
On the one hand, it's nice that I only have to worry about myself. There's no one else to please (or not as the case may be). I can be completely and totally selfish and there are no consequences.
On the other, it's lonely and dark. There are no hugs. There is no soft place to fall.
For the last couple of weeks, I've had a pretty much daily cry over the sad state of affairs my life has become.
Today, I decided to stop.
People (myself DEFINITELY included) fall into a trap of thinking, "I'll be happy when..."
I'll be happy when I lose 5 lbs.
I'll be happy when I find somebody to love.
I'll be happy when I have enough money.
I'm tired of saying "I'll be happy when." I'm going to be happy now.
I didn't let myself get into a negative place today. I only listened to songs on my iPod which make me feel good (which recently means no love songs, no angry songs, a lot of medium tempo content neutral songs). I set expectations about how I would feel during each portion of my day.
And although I wouldn't call it a complete success, I have to say that I felt better today than I have in a while. No tears. While I wouldn't call myself "happy" per se at the moment, I feel at a minimum neutral, which, trust me, is an improvement.
Life is what it is and I have to take it as it comes. But, I'm not going to live for a mystical future date when life will be good enough to be happy with.
I want things, which may mean that I'm always doomed to some level of dissatisfaction, but if I can achieve a state where I'm fairly contented interspersed with moments of genuine happiness (which will hopefully be more numerous than the unavoidable moments of unhappiness) then I'll consider it a win.
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