13 Days of Halloween

I'll be sad to see Halloween come and go this year. Not for the costumes (which I don't plan to wear), the adorable kids (which I don't plan to turn on the light for this year because I can't really afford it) or the candy (which I don't really eat).

I'll be sad to see Halloween go because it means the 13 Days of Halloween are over on ABC Family.

They have been showing some of my favorite movies on ABC Family instead of their usual teeny bopper fare.
The Goonies, The Addams Family, Edward Scissorhands, etc.
I've been tuning in quite a bit recently. I love these movies. Love them.

I've only got one more day, so I guess I had better enjoy them while they last. I'm sure ABC Family will be back to showing nonsense like A Walk to Remember in no time.

The Power of Positive Thinking

When did life get to be so hard? It's not that I thought this would be easy necessarily, but I didn't really realize the emotional toll it would take.

The days are pretty easy to get through. I have work, which takes up plenty of time and I have a number of friends there that keep me socialized and human.

The nights are harder. The house gets quiet with just me and the dogs.

On the one hand, it's nice that I only have to worry about myself. There's no one else to please (or not as the case may be). I can be completely and totally selfish and there are no consequences.

On the other, it's lonely and dark. There are no hugs. There is no soft place to fall.

For the last couple of weeks, I've had a pretty much daily cry over the sad state of affairs my life has become.

Today, I decided to stop.

People (myself DEFINITELY included) fall into a trap of thinking, "I'll be happy when..."

I'll be happy when I lose 5 lbs.

I'll be happy when I find somebody to love.

I'll be happy when I have enough money.

I'm tired of saying "I'll be happy when." I'm going to be happy now.

I didn't let myself get into a negative place today. I only listened to songs on my iPod which make me feel good (which recently means no love songs, no angry songs, a lot of medium tempo content neutral songs). I set expectations about how I would feel during each portion of my day.

And although I wouldn't call it a complete success, I have to say that I felt better today than I have in a while. No tears. While I wouldn't call myself "happy" per se at the moment, I feel at a minimum neutral, which, trust me, is an improvement.

Life is what it is and I have to take it as it comes. But, I'm not going to live for a mystical future date when life will be good enough to be happy with.

I want things, which may mean that I'm always doomed to some level of dissatisfaction, but if I can achieve a state where I'm fairly contented interspersed with moments of genuine happiness (which will hopefully be more numerous than the unavoidable moments of unhappiness) then I'll consider it a win.

Path

When I was younger, I could see a path laid out for me. Easy to follow, just place one foot in front of the other and I would get where I wanted to go. No problem.

Easy as pie.

Peach pie.

Is this where I meant to go?

I can't see the path laid out in front of me anymore. I don't know where I'm going or why. I'm a little bit lost. The future looks murky. I can't see it at all. I'm flying blind.

I still have hope for a better tomorrow, so I keep trying to figure it all out.

Then, I remember Pandora's box. Was hope a gift to humanity or a curse? Fairly often, it feels like both.

Handy Dandy

Living alone for the first time in my life has given me the opportunity to be responsible for all those things that were previously taken care of by someone else.
Fantastic.

My neighbor told me that he got a "chuckle" out of watching me mow the lawn on Sunday.
Whatever. I got it done. So what if I haven't quite mastered the speed on the stupid thing yet? It seems to have a hair trigger between going along at a decent clip and dragging me along behind it. I'll figure it out. Hopefully. Maybe.

Next, in the master bathroom the little lever inside the toilet that pulls up to make the toilet flush broke off.
I went to the hardware store and the levers were sold according to whether the lever is on the front or the side, plus model of the toilet. Pete's sake, they make this shit difficult to figure out!

Okaaaaaay. Well I was pretty sure the lever was on the front, but model? I have no fucking clue.
I didn't really want to go check the model and come back (because I am lazy), so I bought one that claimed it could be used in all standard toilets.

Ha. Liars.
When I tried to hook it up, there was no way to get the lever in and through the plastic loop without either the lever being shorter or breaking the plastic loop.

I, briefly, considered taking it back to the store and getting another one but I didn't (because I am lazy). Instead I hooked the lever up to the base of the toilet (correctly) and then grabbed an inexpensive necklace chain I didn't really like very much (removed the pendant, which I do like) and used it to loop through the level and the plastic loop so the damn toilet will flush.

So, now I have a working toilet again. It's not exactly the right solution, but it's not exactly the wrong one either. It's a slightly stupid solution that makes me feel just the tiniest bit like MacGuyver.

Moving Along

Things have changed so much in the last few weeks, I hardly know where to begin. The husband (possibly the soon-to-be-ex-husband?) moved out.

A few people know the whole, long painful story of my side of what happened. Most don't. Most won't ever. Some, because I can't really see the day when I lay my heart open for everyone to see and judge. Some, because I don't want them caught in the middle of he said/she said between us.

He is not a bad person. He did not mistreat me.
We are not a good couple.
We have spent a lot of years fighting and being unhappy.
I want to change that. I want both of us to be happy.

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry if I caused you any pain.
I'm sorry if I caused him any pain.

This is not what either of us ever wanted or intended. But, at this point, it is what it is.

In some ways, this whole series of events has been a pleasant surprise. (What?!?) Everyone, so far, has been supportive and kind. I feel less alone now than I have in years. So, if it applies, thank you for that.

I'm not sure what this journey is going to bring. But, I'll keep you posted.

Bravery?

Sometimes, I wonder if bravery and stupidity aren't pretty much the same thing.

Friends

I have better friends than I deserve.
Thank you.
You mean more to me than you know.