Well, that's a relief...

Usually, when I blog, it's about stupid things.
The beauty and the randomness of life that amuses me.
Lately it's been radio silence.
It's not that I stopped noticing all the quirks of life; it's just that something else loomed larger in my thoughts. Something real. Something I couldn't laugh away or ignore.
But something I did NOT want to talk about... for a variety of reasons, some fair, some unfair.

There has been a gray cloud casting a shadow over my life for the last six weeks, but finally, the weather has cleared up and it looks like sunny skies ahead. Or at least sunnier than it has been.

Six weeks ago, I went for my yearly checkup to my OB/Gyn and she noticed a lump in my right breast. (Sorry guys... this may be painful for you) I had noticed it, too, it was part of the reason I made the appointment. But, I wasn't sure that it wasn't my imagination. I've lost so much weight over the last year and a half, my breasts feel weird to me.

The doctor wanted me to have an ultrasound, so I did. I had the ultrasound the Wednesday before I went to Hawaii. The radiologist confirmed that I did indeed have a "mass" in my breast. Great. What a fun note to jet off to Hawaii on, but I just tried to put it out of my mind and enjoy the trip anyway.

When I got back, that Tuesday I had a consult with the surgeon my doctor uses to have biopsy done on the masses (Yep, sigh, there were two). The surgeon wanted to just go ahead and remove both of them "since I'm so young" instead of just taking a sample from them. Who am I to argue with the big, bad surgeon? So, I agreed and the surgery was scheduled for this last Monday.

Before the surgery, I had another ultrasound where they put these wires into my breast to guide the surgeon to the masses. They give you anesthetic, so it doesn't really hurt, but it's a weird experience to be surrounded (it took three of them... I guess they were hard little buggers to pin down) by strangers who keep poking me in the breast. Then there was the actual surgery. I don't remember any of that, thankfully, but they tell me all went well.

It has been surprisingly smooth sailing since then. I was very achy and sore for the first 24 hours and I'm actually surprised that it doesn't really hurt much now at all. Then, there was the waiting. Tick-tock. They said they would call me. I've jumped every time the phone rang at work for the last two days. Tick-tock. Finally, today at 11, I called them. It was three days already. Three days of, well, the surgery is over, so do I have cancer or not? Just tell me already!

You should have already guessed by now that I don't. They were benign. There you go, it's in writing now for you, if that makes you feel better.

I'm not going to lie, this whole ordeal has been scary... more like terrifying. Catching a glimpse of your own mortality is somewhat life affirming, but mostly panic inducing. I kept going over it in my head. 4 out of 5 women who have this surgery do not end up with cancer. I am only 27 and live a fairly healthy lifestyle, so the odds are in my favor. But then there were the other thoughts, 1 out of 5 women does get cancer. I didn't always live a healthy lifestyle. What if it's me? Everybody thinks it's not going to be them, but obviously sometimes it's somebody. Best case scenario: I have benign tumors in my chest. Not really a great scenario in my humble opinion.

Some of you may be rather vexed with me for not telling you about any of this earlier. And I love you, but it wasn't your call to make. I can understand your feelings, if it was the other way around I might be annoyed, too. But, it's not your life and it wasn't your medical crisis. So, I have to deal with things the best way I can. The way that it makes it easiest for me to cope with it, not you.

Hopefully, now, things can get back to normal and I'll be able to blog about silly things again like Top Chef (even though it's over now and Stephanie won... Yay!!) or the music they play at my gym (Still Delilah, BOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!).

It's quite a relief now that the ten ton weight that has been sitting on my shoulders has finally been removed. Now, I can get back to our regularly scheduled programming...