Roadkill

I have a 45 minute drive to work everyday, so I see a lot of roadkill on a day-to-day basis. Today, I saw a family of raccoons that had all been run over. There were three of them, they had all died within 2 or 3 feet of each other.

Makes my heart sad.

The Power of Cheese

There's no way around it. I'm having a bad week.

I wore my "Power of Cheese" shirt from Cheese Days today. I was hoping it would help power me through.

"The Power of Cheese compels you!"

So far, all it's gotten me is a speeding ticket.

I keep trying to tell myself that I see the light at the end of the tunnel, but then the little voice of evil in the back of my mind keeps cackling and says, "Yeah, that light at the end of the tunnel? Probably a train. Toot, toot! Peanut butter!"

Shut up! Stupid evil voice.

Bad Day

I have had a terrible day. 

On the way to work, my car spun out and I went into the ditch on the other side of the road. When I say spun out, I mean 360s. It sucked. 

Well, actually, it was kind of fun, except for being terrifying and possibly dying if another car were to hit me. 

I'm okay. The car (the stupid rental) is okay. 

Some good Samaritan pulled me and the car out of the ditch. Thank you, thank you, thank you to whoever you are. You made my life so much better today.

Certain other people were less helpful. 

I have no luck with cars. I need some good weather and happiness, STAT.

Tanks for Nothing, Danny!

To the douche bag who stole my salad dressing at work:

You are a jerk.

XOXO,
Me

P.S. Also, please return my Tupperware container, as I use it quite often.

Scary!

Today, I was rear ended on highway 151 by some jerk who was driving too fast and following too close. My rear window was shattered and my bumper was crushed like a tin can. 

I'm okay. 

The cop asked me if I was okay at least four times. By the end, I wanted to say, "Dude, I was just in a car accident. Is okay relative? Then, for just being in a car accident, I'm okay."

The worst part?

The guy honked seconds before he hit me. Just long enough, so that I had time to look into my rear view mirror and watch him hit me. That's the part that keeps playing over and over in my head. 

Honk, glance... CRASH!

Hopefully all of you have had a better day than I did. Be safe out there and remember not to follow too closely or you may end up being the jerk in the rear view mirror. 

The Husband, Slaughterer of Mice

The husband is a slaughterer of mice. 

We had mice in the basement. The husband wanted them out of the house. 

I agreed, but I wanted him to catch and release the little buggers.

I'm not big on killing anything really. 

I catch and release bugs, even ones that I think are gross. 

I just can't be responsible for snuffing out their little lives. 

I know, but I'm a soft touch, I can't help it. 

Plus, I think mice are kind of cute... in a don't touch me or live in my house kind of way. 

The husband "tried" the humane trap for a week and then proclaimed that they "don't work" and used a regular mouse trap. He caught one that way. I try not to think about it because it kind of makes me sad. 

I went down in the basement tonight and the humane trap had caught a mouse, but because the husband never checks it the poor thing died, probably of starvation or dehydration. 

Poor, sad mouse.

I don't want to kill any more mice.  

I'm not sure why it's the husband's fault, but I'm pretty sure it is. 

He'd definitely be the villain in a children's story about a mouse. 

My mean, ole husband, the mouse slayer. 

The husband can't help killing mice. 

I can't help not wanting him to and feeling bad about it.

This is what we call an impasse. 

Looks like Hell

I must look like hell today.
My co-workers keep commenting on it.

GameBoy: You look terrible.
Thanks GB! He wasn't even trying to be mean. There was sympathy in his voice when he said it.

The Saint: Umm... you just look really, really tired.
At least she tried to be diplomatic!

I feel a little better (throat's not so scratchy and I'm not as cold), but I'm just so fucking exhausted I can barely function. It sucks because the husband and I had to cancel our date night tonight. I don't know how I'm going to make it through the next couple of hours at work before I go home, there's no way I can handle going to dinner and shopping with the husband.

Bright side? We need to clean the house before mr & mrs blume and family arrive next weekend. If I don't feel better, it may end up being a one man operation. Sorry husband, once again, you drew the short stick.

Why Wouldn't I?

I finally checked my non-work email today after a few days hiatus (which naturally means my Inbox was overflowing with junk mail). What was surprising was the number of people who sent me emails telling me my email addressed had been phished.

I don't know what would make you think that!
It's good to know (for future reference) that if I find an international electronic products wholesaler, that you are all uninterested.
Next time I won't waste my time.

In the meantime, if you could help out my friend (he's a Sudanese prince, y'all) with his money problems I'd greatly appreciate it! :)

hello
Dear friend:
We are an international electronic products wholesaler. Our products are high-quality low-cost features. If you want to do business , we can provide to you the most reasonable discount to make you get preferential price..
Please visit our website: http://
E-mail :
MSN:
Looking forward to your contact and long cooperation with us!
Our main products are the phones, PSP, display TV, notebook, video, computers, Mp4, GPS, xbox 360, digital cameras and so on.
You are welcome to view our website. Thanks.

What's really annoying is now I have to change my fucking password. I've had that password since high school, assholes!! Bastards...

My Cheatin' Heart

I got a haircut yesterday and I hate it!
The color she did was awesome, it's got kind of purple-y "panels" in it now.
But the cut? Awful!!!

I remember being so poor in college that I went to the Great Clips in Plover for a hair cut.
The woman hacked my hair to pieces and I actually cried in the parking lot over what she had done. After that I resolved to always have my hair done at a decent salon, even if I had to save up or not get my hair cut very often.

This is the first time that plan has blown up in my face. The problem is that at my hair salon, they love to pair us with one particular hair dresser. I don't want one. I just want who ever is available, but no, I'm locked into my girl.

The problem is she really likes the type of cut where it is short in the back and long in the front or short in the front and long in the back. I hate this look.
I have determined that I hate the following hair cuts:
Anything that resembles a mullet
Anything that resembles the "Rachel" haircut of the 90s
Anything that resembles the "Posh" haircut of last year (super short in back, long in front)
Anything that resembles Jane Kaczmarek's hair cut in "Malcolm in the Middle"
Anything that resembles Ramiele Malubay's hair cut from her American Idol days

And yes, it is a long list.
And no, I didn't realize until today that I had a list of hair cuts I hated that long.
And technically, I don't hate them. I just don't want them.

So, since I hate my haircut so much I made an appointment at a salon in Monroe to try to fix it.
I hope they don't make it worse.
If they do I may go on a rampage that makes Godzilla seems like a small nuisance to Tokyo.

When I called the new salon, they asked me on a scale of 1 - 10 how important is my hair to me.
Before today I would have given it a 3 or 4, but now I'm not sure. It feels like a lie now, since this cut is bothering me so much.

I know she gave me a haircut I hate. I know I didn't want to be assigned permanently to her anyway.
BUT, I kind of feel like I'm cheating on my hairdresser.
I've started thinking up lies to tell her the next time I see her.
I don't want her to know I cheated on her.
Gum stuck in my hair?
My niece is in cosmetology school?
Or maybe she won't notice.

What?
Yeah, I'll probably go back and see her again.
I really like they way they dye my hair there.
Just because I'm seeing someone else on the side, doesn't mean I want to break up.

It was only one time, baby, I swear it. You know I love you...

Dark Days

Some days are darker than others.
Today is one of those days.
The monsters I keep carefully locked away in the basement forced their way out.
They know they can't win, but they can make me suffer.
With the kind of week I've had, it was only a matter of time.
I think someone at work might have slipped them the key.
I've been all over the place today.
Sometimes I'm fine, but right now I feel sad and alone.
AND our company Halloween party didn't have any cookies, they brought in doughnuts instead.
WTF?? Doughnuts??
If you are going to go to the trouble of throwing yourself a pity party, there should be chocolate there. (Preferably in bar, cookie, or ice cream form... not necessarily in that order)

Don't worry and good Lord don't call me. I'll get over it soon enough.

ETA: It's possible I was just hungry. I had something to eat and I'm feeling a little better.

This Makes Me Sad...

I read this article on MSN today...
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/25875340/

Boo.
I can't even imagine how hard this would be.
For them, for their families.
You finally make it back. Make it back alive. And even then, you don't get any peace.
What kind of burden are we putting on a generation of young men and women in America?
Boo.

Well, that's a relief...

Usually, when I blog, it's about stupid things.
The beauty and the randomness of life that amuses me.
Lately it's been radio silence.
It's not that I stopped noticing all the quirks of life; it's just that something else loomed larger in my thoughts. Something real. Something I couldn't laugh away or ignore.
But something I did NOT want to talk about... for a variety of reasons, some fair, some unfair.

There has been a gray cloud casting a shadow over my life for the last six weeks, but finally, the weather has cleared up and it looks like sunny skies ahead. Or at least sunnier than it has been.

Six weeks ago, I went for my yearly checkup to my OB/Gyn and she noticed a lump in my right breast. (Sorry guys... this may be painful for you) I had noticed it, too, it was part of the reason I made the appointment. But, I wasn't sure that it wasn't my imagination. I've lost so much weight over the last year and a half, my breasts feel weird to me.

The doctor wanted me to have an ultrasound, so I did. I had the ultrasound the Wednesday before I went to Hawaii. The radiologist confirmed that I did indeed have a "mass" in my breast. Great. What a fun note to jet off to Hawaii on, but I just tried to put it out of my mind and enjoy the trip anyway.

When I got back, that Tuesday I had a consult with the surgeon my doctor uses to have biopsy done on the masses (Yep, sigh, there were two). The surgeon wanted to just go ahead and remove both of them "since I'm so young" instead of just taking a sample from them. Who am I to argue with the big, bad surgeon? So, I agreed and the surgery was scheduled for this last Monday.

Before the surgery, I had another ultrasound where they put these wires into my breast to guide the surgeon to the masses. They give you anesthetic, so it doesn't really hurt, but it's a weird experience to be surrounded (it took three of them... I guess they were hard little buggers to pin down) by strangers who keep poking me in the breast. Then there was the actual surgery. I don't remember any of that, thankfully, but they tell me all went well.

It has been surprisingly smooth sailing since then. I was very achy and sore for the first 24 hours and I'm actually surprised that it doesn't really hurt much now at all. Then, there was the waiting. Tick-tock. They said they would call me. I've jumped every time the phone rang at work for the last two days. Tick-tock. Finally, today at 11, I called them. It was three days already. Three days of, well, the surgery is over, so do I have cancer or not? Just tell me already!

You should have already guessed by now that I don't. They were benign. There you go, it's in writing now for you, if that makes you feel better.

I'm not going to lie, this whole ordeal has been scary... more like terrifying. Catching a glimpse of your own mortality is somewhat life affirming, but mostly panic inducing. I kept going over it in my head. 4 out of 5 women who have this surgery do not end up with cancer. I am only 27 and live a fairly healthy lifestyle, so the odds are in my favor. But then there were the other thoughts, 1 out of 5 women does get cancer. I didn't always live a healthy lifestyle. What if it's me? Everybody thinks it's not going to be them, but obviously sometimes it's somebody. Best case scenario: I have benign tumors in my chest. Not really a great scenario in my humble opinion.

Some of you may be rather vexed with me for not telling you about any of this earlier. And I love you, but it wasn't your call to make. I can understand your feelings, if it was the other way around I might be annoyed, too. But, it's not your life and it wasn't your medical crisis. So, I have to deal with things the best way I can. The way that it makes it easiest for me to cope with it, not you.

Hopefully, now, things can get back to normal and I'll be able to blog about silly things again like Top Chef (even though it's over now and Stephanie won... Yay!!) or the music they play at my gym (Still Delilah, BOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!).

It's quite a relief now that the ten ton weight that has been sitting on my shoulders has finally been removed. Now, I can get back to our regularly scheduled programming...

Different

Well that was different.
I wasn't drunk the first time I tried Lazy Mutt beer.
It was only the second beer I tried at the Oregon Microbrew festival.
Yet, I remember liking it quite a bit there.
Tonight? It was different... in a disappointing way.
It was okay, but not as good as I remembered.
Boo.
Oh well. You can't win them all.

Life

Life is hard, and it never turns out quite the way you imagined.
The road seems so clear when you are a child.
You get older and follow a pre-specified path, first grade, second grade, etc.
There is right (get good grades, share your toys) and wrong (fighting with your sister, lying).

Somewhere along the way the trail tapers off.
You realize that you're not following a path anymore. You find that you are standing alone in the forest wondering where the hell the path went.
The line between right and wrong gets fuzzier. The gray areas grow larger. You start to miss the old black and white days.
You either stay at your current job or leave for another one.
You either stay with your spouse or strike out on your own.
You live in one community or another.
You drive one car versus another.

The decisions are no longer right or wrong, they are just different.
So, how do you decide?

In one way, it's sort of comforting.
No matter how badly you fuck up, you've never left the path, because it was always your own anyway.
In every other way, it's just confusing.
If you are the only one setting your path, how the hell do you know where to go?

Most of the time, I don't really think about it. I just do what I do and let the path determine itself. Although I'm not entirely sure that this is the best way to live, it is easier to be happy this way... I think.

Other times, I feel like I am drowning.

No matter what decision I make at any given point, there is always that one eternal question that looms above everything I say and do, "Where do we go from here?"

Could anybody lend me a map?

My Mistake

You know what hurts?
Biting your lip.

You know what hurts even worse?
Your lip swelling a little bit because you bit it and then causing you to accidentally bite it repeatedly.

Stupid lip!
Booooooo!

What a let down

I got home a little early from work today.
I ran upstairs and opened the door, expecting Milo to do his usual happy, crazy, jumping dance I was home.
No such luck.
He just sat on the end of the bed and looked at me. All lazy like, "oh your home are you? oh well"
What is the world coming to if you can't count on your dog to be excited that you're home.
What a let down!
Little bugger better be excited to see me tomorrow or....
C'mon we all know "or" nothing.
Or... I'll be annoyed he wasn't happy to see me two days in a row.
Boo!
:(

Disease

It's been kind of a crappy day. My mom called to tell me that my grandfather has colon cancer.
She assured me that they found it super early, so although he's going to have to have surgery it's non-invasive and if it hasn't spread then he won't even need to have chemotherapy. The prognosis looks good, and I took it fine when she told me. But, as the evening wears on I feel worse and worse about it.

I wish I could do something for him. I wish that I could make this better in some way. I wish I could see him. When Pa started getting sick, I didn't really worry, I just kept believing that he would always get better. And he always did, until he finally didn't and I didn't get a chance to say good-bye. Hopefully, this situation won't be that serious, but being this far away it's hard to reassure myself of that.

I bought him a card. A fucking card will probably make him feel better about having cancer, right?

My sister maybe has MS. I don't know how to help her either.

Sorry... seems like a stupid thing to say.
Whatever you need... is an empty promise, since what could I really provide them anything they need.
I'm here for you... is true, but can really only make me feel better.

There is nothing I can say to make things better for them.
There is nothing I can do to make things better for them.
There is nothing I can do. Period.

All I can do is just stand around while they struggle.
I hate feeling helpless.

So, I guess instead of wishing for things I can't have, I'll have to deal with reality.
I'll hurt that they hurt and I'll shut the fuck up about it.
Because really, self-absorbed though I can be, I'm not enough of an asshole to make their illnesses about me.
The plan with Pop is to send him cards every week until he's through recovering from surgery.
A pathetic, lame plan at best, but it's the best I can do.
The plan with Sist-A is to treat her normally, until she says otherwise.
Also, a pathetic, lame plan, but also the best I figure out to do.