Designer Snuggie

Yes, yes, yes.

I wasn't into the Snuggie. Blue, red. Blah. No thank you.

But, thankfully, they've seen the light. They are now making Snuggies in "luxurious leopard", "stunning zebra" and "classic camel."

Now, I'll be able to look fashionable when I wear my blanket with sleeves. And who doesn't want to look hot sitting on the couch? (Note: I already look hot just sitting on my couch. The designer Snuggie only makes me hotter.)

I'm a little disappointed in "classic camel" which is basically just brown, but "stunning zebra?" Sign me the fuck up!

Sunburnt

Exhibit A

Exhibit B

The title of this exhibit is "I am an idiot."

Today, I had my weekly meeting with my semi-new team lead, the Queen of All (QoA). It was a gorgeous day, so we decided to have the meeting outside. I sort of remembered that I hadn't put any sunblock on my arms, but since the meeting was only supposed to be a half-hour I didn't really think anything of it. 

I am an idiot.

It was just the two of us since everyone else is out this week and we ended up chatting for a really long time. About an hour and a half really long time. 

At some point, I knew I was getting burnt, and I still didn't manage to get out of the sun. 

Why? Why would I be so fucking stupid and allow my arms to turn an attractive lobster red?

Because I am incapable of ending a conversation. I have no idea how to get out of a conversation that I want to be over. It's sort of a chronic problem. I have no concept of the graceful exit. 

It fucking sucks. And (I hope!) I've learned my lesson. I don't care if I'm forced to use my fall back plan (the awkward exit) it's not worth getting sunburned. I'm 28 years old and I need to figure out how to end a fucking conversation when I want to, awkward or otherwise. 

It should be noted, it wasn't so much that I wanted to be done talking to the QoA, so much as I wanted our conversation to be in the shade.

Sigh.

I am an idiot.

Ouch. Aloe anybody?

Most Influential

Forbes created a list of most "influential celebrity tots"
What the hell?
Who are they influencing?

Me?
Well, those Mary Janes Suri's been sporting lately are pretty cute. They'd still look pretty good on a 28 y/o right?

Seriously, people, get a grip. They're toddlers. Just because they happened to be unlucky enough to be the spawn of a celebrity doesn't mean anything. Yes, unlucky. Of the "top 10", would anyone like to place bets on how many of them end up in rehab in the next 10 - 15 years?

Also stupid? The fact that they've ranked siblings, but sometimes not all the sibs made the list.
Example) Sean Preston (Britany Spears oldest) made the list, but her youngest Jayden James did not.
Zahara, Shiloh and Pax Jolie-Pitt made the list, but Maddox, Vivienne and Knox did not.

If these kids were old enough to be aware of such a stupid fucking list, how much would that suck to be the kid left off of it? Your siblings are influential, but you just didn't make the cut.

Dumb, dumb, dumb.
You and your top 10 lists are lame Forbes.

Just for your edification, here's their list:
Suri Cruise
Shiloh Jolie-Pitt
Zahara Jolie-Pitt
Pax Jolie-Pitt
Sam Alexis Wood
Cruz Beckham
Matilda Rose Ledger
David Banda
Sean Preston Federline
Sam Sheen

He did what?!?

I just read this review of Jessica Simpson's latest concert.
(What? It was linked off perezhilton.com. So I'm a dirty, dirty pop culture whore... get over it.)

The concert was bad blah, blah, blah.
What I really enjoyed were some of the comments people made about the article.

Some favorites:
"First off Ted. As a Windsorite I'm very disappointed in this story. The fact that you are a reporter for Windsor Star does not give you the right to voice "YOUR PERSONAL" opinion on behalf of the rest of us. It was unfortunate that I wasnot able to attend the concert but have spoke to plenty of friends that did and heard it was awesome!"

Yes, I hate it when reviewers give me their "PERSONAL" opinion. I expect them to be objective and provide me with cold, hard scientific fact when relating whether it was a good concert or not. Ah, the wind is coming out of the west at 30 mph, must have been a good one.

"I would like to see how you can sing TED, I am sure you can't. As for her outfit, she looked HOT. It's too bad that Caesars brought someone one who sings very well and we get writers writing these awful words."

Mother fucking writers who write...

"This person is reporting on personal things not just the show. What happens in Texas is Texas. You go and see if they still feel the same today."

Which means Texas is what exactly?

"Also would like to comment on that fact you said her band was a "crack unit", do you want to explain what that is and explain it to my 10 year old son. The windsor star promotes children to read the paper for literacy and they write "CRACK UNIT"."

In case you aren't planning on reading the article, here is the context of his 'crack unit' comment:
"The seven-member band and two backup singers were a crack unit. She later acknowledged their contributions and, in one of the few classy moments of the show, left the stage so they could do an instrumental number."

What is the world coming to? When you find out could you explain it to her 10 year old son?

Married?

My brother's Facebook account lists him as married to his girlfriend, Marie.
That's a joke, right?
It's like when Alexis tells a lie, it seems like it's probably a lie... there's a 99% chance it's a lie, but it could be the truth, that one lonely percent, so I'm just not completely sure.
The one bright side would be I'm pretty sure if he was idiotic enough to get married that his mom would finally let me taser the dumbass.

Hmm... that presents something of a moral dilemma for me.

On the one hand, we would have the possibility of tasering my young (under-age) married brother.
On the other, we would have no tasering, but the dumbass isn't married.

Normally, I'm going to advocate whatever position gets brother tasered... in this case?
Well, I guess he's already either married or not, so it doesn't matter what I "advocate."
Whew, another moral paradox taken out of my hands. Probably for the best on all sides of that one.

He's going to try to win every gold medal possible...

While watching the Men's All-around gymnastics competition, the announcer said that he had talked to Yang Wei (the Chinese competitor) and he told them that he was going to try to win every gold medal possible.

I assume he meant gymnastics gold medals in events in which he is competing.

If so, no fuck, huh?
Who goes to the Olympics and thinks, well I'm going to go for the gold in the team competition, but I think I'll let off the gas a little and aim for the bronze in the all around.

I'm just guessing, but I'm pretty sure that EVERYONE is going for the gold in EVERY competition, no matter what.

But, thanks NBC commentators, thanks for letting me know that in fact that Yang Wei is trying to win. That was both informative and interesting. I bet he's going to give 110%, too.


** Side note: That poor Japanese gymnast... I feel so bad for him. He is having a TERRIBLE night.

America's Funniest Home Videos

America's Funniest Home Videos is often playing when I'm at the gym.
I do not understand why this show is still on.
The stuff is usually staged and more importantly not funny.
I guess it's possible that if you listen with sound, it might be funny, but I kind of doubt it.
Oh look, that dog is freaked out by a hose.
Well, that's pretty special, except that's just what dogs do.
But, congratulations to you for having the ingenuity to capture it on tape and send it in to be on tv.

Bah.

I didn't think so, but it's possible I'm a bit crabby this evening.

Celebrities are Funny

Here's what Pam Andersen had to say recently about what she thought L.A. would be like:

“I thought when I came to L.A., people would have parrots on their shoulders,” Pam confessed. “I still don't understand where that concept came from. And I thought for sure photographers would have pointy shoulders and big hats. Yes, pointy shoulder pads and parrots. And hats.”

So... she thought everyone in L.A. would be a pirate?
Not that that wouldn't be awesome, but what the hell?

I like songs about whores

Example #1) The Boxer by Simon and Garfunkel
Asking only workman's wages I come lookin for a job, but I get no offers,
Just a come on from the whores on 7th avenue
I do declare there were times when I was so lonesome
I took some comfort there...

Although, my favorite part of this song comes later, but still a good whore reference.

Example #2) Basket Case by Green Day
I went to a shrink
To analyze my dreams
She says it's lack of sex
That's bringing me down
I went to a whore
She says my life's a bore
So quit my whining
Cause it's bringing her down

I just happened to listen to both of these songs in recent days. I don't know that many songs about whores, but I like both of the ones I do know. Does two songs represent a pattern?

If you know of any other songs about whores, pass them along.

That WASN'T a twist off

That bottle of Lazy Mutt I just opened was not a twist off.
Ouch!
My hands hurt a little now.
Also, our bottle openers suck!

Crappy Wedding

Came across this article on MSN:
http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/couplesandmarriage/articletkt.aspx?cp-documentid=6987509&GT1=32001

It's an article about awkward moments at a wedding.

I am astounded by this one:
Dirty Dancing
"I was a bridesmaid in a July wedding. After four hours of dancing and having a great time, I needed to sit down and rest. While leaving the dance floor, I mentioned to another bridesmaid that I thought I had gum stuck to my foot (we were dancing barefoot), and on my way to the bathroom, I said, 'Something smells terrible.' I then discovered that what I smelled was actually poop! It was all over my feet, ankles, and on the inside of the bottom of my dress. I broke into hysterics, removed the soiled dress, changed into whatever clothes the girls had available in the bridal suite, and waited until the reception was over."

Umm... perhaps you should have shared more of the story with us. Did you crap your pants and not notice? Did someone else poop on the dance floor and no one stepped in it but you? How? What? Huh?

That is hands down the weirdest/grossest story I have heard in a while.

Hmmm.... I better wear comfortable shoes to Snoop and DaisyDuke's wedding. I don't want to be the victim of a dance floor pooping.

Charles in Charge

New boy in the neighborhood
Lives downstairs and it is understood.
He’s there just to take good care of me,
Like he’s one of the family.
Charles in Charge
Of our days and our nights
Charles in Charge
Of our wrongs and our rights
And I sing, I want,
I want Charge in Charge of me.

Anybody besides me remember this show?
They have it on Netflix watch instantly. That's both awesome and sad.